Alternative Definitions

A Brand New Dictionary

Yes. Let’s take the English language and look at it from a completely different angle. Let’s put it askew. And I askew, why not?

Anisotropic
Annie comes from a sunny climate

Annihilate
How you greet Ann when she eventually turns up

Array
The word which always follows ‘ip-‘ip after you sing ‘appy birthday

Assume
Making an ass out of u and me

Atrium
Starting to describe a tree when you don’t actually know what kind of tree you’re describing

Banana
What baby calls naughty grandma

Burner
Phrase usually heard directly after “She’s a witch!” and “Hanger!”

Copulate
What to say when the police arrive too late

Decision
The act of uncircumcising a male

Defibrillators
A device that makes a person unable to tell a lie

Deride
De ting dat made me sick at de fair

Descent
De result of Defart

Decide
Debit between defront and deback

Decidedly
As above, but incredibly dangerous

Definite
How you describe a chav with very bad hearing

Deform
De shape created by de sum of de front, de sides and de back.

Disgruntled
A pig that’s lost it’s voice

Distress
The question most men dread they’re partner asking them when all the want to do is get to the damn restaurant and eat some food.

Ejaculate
How you greet Jack when he eventually turns up

Emulate
How to greet Em when she eventually turns up

Establishment
What you say when you realize the large tablet you just put in your mouth tastes minty

Hanger
Phrase usually heard directly after “She’s a witch!” and before “Burner!”

Hormones
The sound a prostitute makes either
a) during sex or
b) when you refuse to pay for said sex

Maintenance
The people whose names are on the rent book

Mauritius
What you say when you decide that the mouthful of food you are eating is delicious

Mental
Irish cough sweet

Oops
Dyslexic poos

Oxymoron
A stupid cow. (A moron of the ox family)

Paella
Yellow pie

Parapsychology
The art of thinking about jumping from a plane

Poodle
A boring poo

PS
A female pea

PPS
The opposite of poo-poos

PPPS
A female pea with a lack of bladder control

Snot
It isn’t

Staircase
A mental person that won’t stop looking at you

Synonym
To cheat on your male partner

Testicle
An experiment designed to find out how good a feather is at making people laugh

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