A Brand New Dictionary
Yes. Let’s take the English language and look at it from a completely different angle. Let’s put it askew. And I askew, why not?
Anisotropic
Annie comes from a sunny climate
Annihilate
How you greet Ann when she eventually turns up
Array
The word which always follows ‘ip-’ip after you sing ‘appy birthday
Assume
Making an ass out of u and me
Atrium
Starting to describe a tree when you don’t actually know what kind of tree you’re describing
Banana
What baby calls naughty grandma
Burner
Phrase usually heard directly after “She’s a witch!” and “Hanger!”
Copulate
What to say when the police arrive too late
Decision
The act of uncircumcising a male
Defibrillators
A device that makes a person unable to tell a lie
Deride
De ting dat made me sick at de fair
Descent
De result of Defart
Decide
Debit between defront and deback
Decidedly
As above, but incredibly dangerous
Definite
How you describe a chav with very bad hearing
Deform
De shape created by de sum of de front, de sides and de back.
Disgruntled
A pig that’s lost it’s voice
Distress
The question most men dread they’re partner asking them when all the want to do is get to the damn restaurant and eat some food.
Ejaculate
How you greet Jack when he eventually turns up
Emulate
How to greet Em when she eventually turns up
Establishment
What you say when you realize the large tablet you just put in your mouth tastes minty
Hanger
Phrase usually heard directly after “She’s a witch!” and before “Burner!”
Hormones
The sound a prostitute makes either
a) during sex or
b) when you refuse to pay for said sex
Maintenance
The people whose names are on the rent book
Mauritius
What you say when you decide that the mouthful of food you are eating is delicious
Mental
Irish cough sweet
Oops
Dyslexic poos
Oxymoron
A stupid cow. (A moron of the ox family)
Paella
Yellow pie
Parapsychology
The art of thinking about jumping from a plane
Poodle
A boring poo
PS
A female pea
PPS
The opposite of poo-poos
PPPS
A female pea with a lack of bladder control
Snot
It isn’t
Staircase
A mental person that won’t stop looking at you
Synonym
To cheat on your male partner
Testicle
An experiment designed to find out how good a feather is at making people laugh