Medical Alternative Definitions

A Brand New Medical Dictionary

I copied all of these from a card I bought for a colleague of mine who, sadly, broke his shoulder in a bad fall. Needless to say, they cheered him up.

Attack
Sharp object used to hang a poster

Benign
What you are after you be eight

Colitis
Wheelchair Crashus (Latin)

Denial
Cleopatra’s local river

Dilate
To live long

Elixir
What your dog does to your sister

Fibula
A really small lie

Follow-up visit
Something to ensure that your doctor can make the payments on his Jaguar

Growth
Really dithguthting

Head Lice
Required for driving at night

Haemorrhoid
What you offer an Australian hitchhiker

Impotent
Distinguished, significant

Joint
Place where doctors and nurses go for a beer after a hard day

Kidney
Located between the kid thigh and the kid shin

Liver
One who survives an illness or operation

Megahertz
Like, totally painful, dude!

Nitrate
Room cost between 6PM and 6AM

Nitrogen
Brand of condom used in the evening

Outpatient
What the hospital administrator says as you’re kicked out the door

Post Surgery Discomfort
Waking up and finding stitches in unexpected places

Quarantined
The sign you put on your house if you want to be left alone while you recuperate

Rectum
What you might have done to your sheets if you couldn’t get to the bathroom in time

Shock
Large fish found along surfing coast

Thyroid
An itching, burning or swelling that occurs on your upper leg

Urinate
What the nurse says to indicate that you should occupy the room that’s between 7 and 9

Varicose
Nearby

Womb
A really nice place to be when you’re feeling wotten

X-ray
Possibly your only chance to be seen on film

Yucky
The technical medical term for a microbiotic gastro-intestinal dysfunction

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