A Brand New Medical Dictionary
I copied all of these from a card I bought for a colleague of mine who, sadly, broke his shoulder in a bad fall. Needless to say, they cheered him up.
Attack
Sharp object used to hang a poster
Benign
What you are after you be eight
Colitis
Wheelchair Crashus (Latin)
Denial
Cleopatra’s local river
Dilate
To live long
Elixir
What your dog does to your sister
Fibula
A really small lie
Follow-up visit
Something to ensure that your doctor can make the payments on his Jaguar
Growth
Really dithguthting
Head Lice
Required for driving at night
Haemorrhoid
What you offer an Australian hitchhiker
Impotent
Distinguished, significant
Joint
Place where doctors and nurses go for a beer after a hard day
Kidney
Located between the kid thigh and the kid shin
Liver
One who survives an illness or operation
Megahertz
Like, totally painful, dude!
Nitrate
Room cost between 6PM and 6AM
Nitrogen
Brand of condom used in the evening
Outpatient
What the hospital administrator says as you’re kicked out the door
Post Surgery Discomfort
Waking up and finding stitches in unexpected places
Quarantined
The sign you put on your house if you want to be left alone while you recuperate
Rectum
What you might have done to your sheets if you couldn’t get to the bathroom in time
Shock
Large fish found along surfing coast
Thyroid
An itching, burning or swelling that occurs on your upper leg
Urinate
What the nurse says to indicate that you should occupy the room that’s between 7 and 9
Varicose
Nearby
Womb
A really nice place to be when you’re feeling wotten
X-ray
Possibly your only chance to be seen on film
Yucky
The technical medical term for a microbiotic gastro-intestinal dysfunction